The Douchey Tourist. I hate them.

I recently came across THIS article from the New York Times talking about how technology has helped our national parks deteriorate into ignorant douchebag cesspools.  Just reading the article made my blood boil with hatred for the “tourist”.

People with cellphones call rangers from mountaintops to request refreshments or a guide; in Jackson Hole, Wyo., one lost hiker even asked for hot chocolate.

Now I am no national park slob, nor do I hate people for wanting to visit some of our country’s most gorgeous properties.  But what I do hate are the people that take it for granted, consider it a box on a bigger checklist of “things to do with the fam”, and make the experience a pain-in-the-ass for others.  If you are parents of 10, go to Six Flags.  If you have ‘screamy’ kids, put them down.  If you wear socks with sandals, die.

I have a trip planned to Yosemite in a matter of weeks and couldn’t be more excited. I have never been and it has been a dream of mine to scale Half Dome.  The problem is that I might have high expectations for the trip with my preconceived visions of my park experience. I imagine being able to roll in to the park, drive the curvy mountain roads with nary a slow moving tourist bus, and pull into a sparsly populated, quiet campground with picturesque, serene vistas of the surrounding cliffs.  Well, after reading the article above, I now imagine lines of traffic backed up at the park entrance, a shit-smelling tourist filled campground, and a 2 hour wait to summit the grandest, most widely known peak in the park.  Fuck.

I plan on bringing a tourist taser.  But you can guarantee I won’t call the rangers to come rescue my victims.  Duh duh DUUUH!