Ethan loves him some Asteroids DeLuxe! (courtesy RadNerd.com)

So tonight marked my first ever appearance at SC3 (Southern California Classic Collectors).  Basically, this dude (Steve Hertz) brings in tons of classic arcade cabinets to his property, puts them all on free play, and let’s the list of attendees go to town.  I seriously could not have thought of a more rad way to spend a Saturday night!  But then something happened…

So as soon as I stepped foot into the backyard of Steve’s backyard, I was overwhelmed.  I mean, there were tons of arcade cabinets (Asteroids DeLuxe, Turkey Hunt, Crystal Castles, Star Wars, Donkey Kong, Q-Bert, etc) and classic home platforms (NES, Super NES, Sega Genesis on a projector, Calico Vision, a fuckin’ Vectrex, and more).  Where the hell do I start?!  Easy, the cabinet closest to the TRON game in hopes of getting a chance to play.  I started with Turkey Hunt and failed miserably.  Then moved on to some classic NES Konami Track & Field and destroyed.  From there it was time for Donkey Kong (I’m bad), Q-Bert (I’m worse), and the original vector Star Wars game (I actually did well!).  Some Asteroids DeLuxe and more Turkey Hunt were followed by the Vectrex, some SNES, and Burger Time.  I was beginning to remember Arcade playing and my flinch trigger was coming back.  It was about time I faced my ultimate challenge: The TRON game.

Ethan breaks TRON

I have never played it. I have always wanted to play it. I was ecstatic. I stepped up to the black-light enhanced cabinet and tossed it onto two player mode.  My first game was the tank battle.  Having observed the technique of others to pass level one, this was an easy first stage and I passed with little difficulty.  Back at the menu, i moved the joystick down and found myself trying to get to the bonus triangle by blasting through the colored wall.  Bingo, all bricks destroyed giving me an extra bonus!  I might actually be getting the hang of this.  The next stage involves me making it through a sea of space spiders to the central portal within a time limit.  Easy.  Done.  Now onto the final stage and my favorite, The Light Cycles.

Here’s where I got cocky.  I had seen a couple players before just annihilate this first level and it was a super simple technique I could easily utilize.  Just pump the bike forward, a quick jerk to the left and then immediatly up then off to the right would put me in great position to lock up the other bike in my light trail.  3, 2, 1, GO! I was up like a…well, Light Cycle ready to crank left.  Just as I slammed the joystick left, THE MACHINE SHUT DOWN. DEAD. OH FUCK. I seriously just broke a classic TRON machine!  What the fuck did I just do and how the fuck am I going to fix it before anyone notices?!  FUUUUCK!

The good news:  I didn’t break it. Apparently there was a cord that would short if you slammed on the stick too hard in one direction.  THANK GOD.  I seriously thought that my first experience at SC3 would be marred by my complete lack of respect for vintage machines and my destruction of a TRON cabinet.  But nay, my first experience was only marred by my complete lack of SKILL at beating any of my acquaintances at the event.  I know I’m not great at video games. I’ve come to grips with that.  But you know what?  Thank god I have such an amazing cock.

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